There IS such a thing as too much food.

Clemmy firmly believes she is a bottomless pit. Any food that is put in her path, she will eat. Accidently feed her twice? No problem! She will take care of that. Spill food on the floor? No problem! She will clean it up. Another dog refusing to clean its dish. No problem! Clemmy will lick it so well that it won’t even require washing.

I do not exist for the sole purpose of opening and closing the door.

As an author, I work from home. Clemmy will sometimes lie beside me, helpfully farting, just to add to the atmosphere. Otherwise, she stands by the front door and barks until I open it. She does her business, comes in, demands a treat (of course), and takes a break for at least 10 minutes. Then, she resumes barking for the door to be opened. Argh!

When I call her to come in, I expect obedience.

Yeah, I expect it, but I’m not sure why. Clemmy will only come in if she feels like it and certainly not if the neighbor’s dog requires terrorizing. Other apparent reasons to ignore me include a squirrel passing by, something interesting to sniff, and I’m only calling her name. If I say “Treat,” that’s a whole different story.

Furniture is not for wiping one’s face.

Clemmy is a clean kind of dog. Well, that is she likes to have a clean face. So, after eating, she goes to my antique upholstered couch and wipes her face on all the corners. I’m not sure how often I’ve washed the corners, but they are now permanently darker than the rest of the couch. I’ve offered Clemmy a napkin, but she’s not interested.

The sound of a phone call is not a lullaby.

I used to lecture by Zoom. Now I have author’s meetings. At other times, I put my phone on speaker so that I can look things up on my computer while talking. Whenever I do this, Clemmy takes the opportunity to lie beside me and fall asleep, snoring loudly. Students giggle, authors raise their eyebrows, and, well, you can imagine what professional contacts think.

When I pack my suitcase, that does not mean I’ll never return.

This is the worst. The sight of my suitcase is Clemmy’s signal to start pouting. She lies sadly on her bed and I’m told she keeps it up until I get back. So, despite all the things that DRIVE ME CRAZY, I guess I kinda like her. Don’t worry, Clemmy. I’ll be back.

For more about my amazing bulldog, check out her family friendly website, watch her YouTube videos, and buy her books!